I'll mend myself before it gets me...

I did a reading for myself on Thursday night with my new oracle cards. 

First Card:

Recharge your batteries. 

Second Card:

Detoxify your mind and body. 

Third Card: 

Be honest with yourself. What is your heart's true desire?

And all of these cards jumped out when I was shuffling them. I didn't even need to draw one. The cards are onto me...

My moods have been something of a rollercoaster this quarter. I have my highs and lows, ups and downs. When I get up I have no idea how I'll feel when I go back to bed (when I finally go to bed). Every hour I'm not working on some project or another is one more hour in the morning I'm staying up (I am grateful, in this way, for afternoon and evening classes, otherwise I'd get no sleep at all). I've been staying up late, sleeping in, drinking too much coffee and energy drinks (though much more of the former). I feel guilty whenever I'm doing something that isn't schoolwork (including updating this sad little once-a-month-no-more blog; I'm even doing it in class, so I'm doubly bad). 

I alternatively feel confident and depressed by my Portfolio project. Whether or not I will have everything done in time on time and looking good is always questionable. And then there's certain people who have missed a couple classes, and I worry about them too. It's hard to be empathetic. Maybe that's why I'm so unsocial. It just seems easier not to care. (wow, that makes me sound bitchy. Sorry, I am very tired, and don't really know what I'm trying to say.)

Things to do, things to do, and people to see (eventually). Sorry, people, you will have to wait so that I don't completely fall apart. Because in order not to fall apart I need to see you. I have a hard time finding balance in my life. 

Perhaps I shall write more later; class is over and I have errands to run before I throw myself back onto the grindstone. But I also know I need to take time out, time off, to breathe. I need to keep reminding myself that everything is going to be all right. It's hard sometimes, you know?

Wake up Exhausted

Once again, things are reduced to numbers around me. Or, more specifically, times. 

Yesterday, class ended at 5.30. I left school at 8.30. I got home at 10.oo. I stayed up all night working on Portfolio work and went to bed at 4.45. I got up at 7.18. I was at school again at 8.37.

And yet I am still functioning. Going to pull another semi-all-nighter tonite so that I can go into school tomorrow and print off my Design Tech. assignment due Tuesday (Monday's a holiday, thank God). But anyways. 

Yesterday, while I was working after class, I was going back and forth from the mac lab to the printer (basically from one end of the floor to the other). A lot of people had gone by that point (after all, it was Friday night, only losers stay late on Friday night, ahahaha...). I was the only person in that computer room, and when I went to the printer, the hall was completely empty as well, even of the security guard at the front desk. And I thought,

What if the world just ended, while I was working, and I just didn't notice? 

And then I thought, 

How typical of me.

I have been busy. Deadlines live up to their names. I still find things to amuse and inspire me so I have tactfully avoided going completely insane. Not that a little dose of insanity is bad. But I do worry; sometimes it seems I'm not that far off having violent mood swings that consist of breaking everything in sight. Like the computer in front of me while I'm completing an inane assignment that is a complete waste of my time, or my instructor's head when he/she asks me to complete an inane assignment that is a complete waste of my time. 

Today's amusement consisted of going to The Dark Knight. AMAZING. MOVIE. 

The Joker is my knew favorite psychopath. 

promises to keep...

Time passes by far too fast for my liking. 

Especially if that time passing is measured in two weeks. 

However, there was enough that happened over the course of two weeks that I am satisfied with the way my vacation was spent. That doesn't mean that I'm happy to be back at school, but life can never be perfect, can it?

Cosplaying at West Edmonton Mall was definitely one of the highlights. Even if my feet did hurt like hell by the end of it. It was FUN. I am totally making a tradition out of that. 

Seeing Meg was another. Even if it was for a brief time; it was worth breaking the year of not-seeing that had built up. I know she worries about me; I'm working on it, babe. 

Getting off my ass and writing another chapter of Story From Hell is the last in the top 3 highlights on my brief sojourn back to the prairies. The last time I finished a chapter was...too damn long ago. Definitely before I moved. Everything seemed to stop when I moved, which is completely unacceptable...

I'm trying to do better. I want to take everything I have promised people, and get it done. If not by the end of this quarter, then by the end of the year. Then I can let myself breathe...and let the next year's promises begin to pile up. Sorry guys. I know how much you like my writing and art, and I keep on letting you down. You have the patience of saints, every one of you. 

It occurs to me, every now and then, that I am incredibly lucky to still have the friends that I do. After all this time, even after putting miles and mountains between us, after I ignore them for weeks at a time because of school and my own unsociability, they still want to be my friend. I've wondered, sometimes, why they don't just leave me alone. But then I wonder, what would I do if they did?

I would probably just fall to pieces. 

I promised, when I left, that I would write back at least once a week. It is another promise I have failed to keep. It is hypocritical of me, to fear being left behind when that is what I am doing to them. Every once in a while, when I get a text or e-mail from someone saying they miss me, or why haven't I e-mailed them? I have to feel guilty, when there's no reason to. It would be so easy to just keep my promise. 

Why don't I, then?

...okay, having deep, in-depth conversations with myself at midnight is not a good thing to do when I have a ten o'clock class tomorrow and need eight hours of sleep plus coffee in order to function. Good night. *goes off to ponder life*

All things must end...

...and damn, am I grateful for that. I am very (very) pleased to announce:

The Hell-Project is OVER. 

It is printed, all the extras are done, I will hand it over to my teacher after my class, and then I will go home and eat ramen. 

And I just got 90% on a re-write of my mid-term exam for Production class. Life is good. 

But honestly? Yesterday was hell. 

From the time I went to school, I had this horrible clenching in my stomach. I'm surprised I didn't make myself sick. I went into my Web class and got my final project all set up without any problems, and was able to leave class an hour and a half early. So I was able to eat my dinner at my leisure and get a headstart on the final tweaking of my magazine. But through all of that I kept on thinking, "This cannot be this easy. Something has got to go wrong soon." It can't be healthy to be so worried that something's going to go wrong, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm a pessimist, through and through (and more than a little paranoid). 

In some ways, though, yesterday was good. I actually talked to people; joked about how hellish this term was, bitched about how hellish this term was, even helped out a chick who was having trouble printing. Now, for those who don't know me, this is no big deal, but for me? I am not socially equipped to deal with people. People who do know me will be able to tell you this (especially Meg). I don't like to say I'm agoraphobic, but I am, and always will be, a potential hermit. 

I didn't leave school until 11pm yesterday. Didn't get home until around 11.45. Didn't go to sleep until 1.15. Got up today at 6.55. 

One way to know you're becoming an adult: everything starts to depend on numbers. The time of appointments, the carbs you consume, the countdown of days before you can go home. I am getting tired of everything being a countdown, or count-up. 

So now what do I have to do before I go into sweet, sweet freedom? Let's see:

- Production Procedures: print off final project (due today, by 12.30)

- Corporate Identity: final tweaking to GSG, create PDFs (due tomorrow)

- Advanced Typography: final project, tweaking of previous projects (due Monday)

Typography will rule my life this weekend (or rather, my life after 5.30 Thursday). I am not sure if I am looking forward to this. But it's all over Monday, 10pm. I may or may not do a celebratory post before passing out...I will definitely do a celebratory post in between packing and cleaning on Tuesday, though. 

So there we have it. My first post in what I hope will be a semi-serious blog. (or at least a step up from my livejournal accounts.) Not that livejournal is bad. Lots of writer's have livejournal as their main blog (it rather amuses me). But you know, every now and then I have the urge to actually write something semi-meaningful (was anything above meaningful? maybe I'm just nuts.). 

(My inner voice: There's no "maybe" about it. You ARE nuts.)

...

*shoots inner voice*